STEEL PANTHER Guitarist: Singers Have Small Penises, That’s Why They Need Spotlight All The Time

Ultimate-Guitar recently had the chance to catch up with STEEL PANTHER guitarist Satchel and discuss all sorts of crucial things in life, such as hair, babes and p*nises. You can read the conversation below.

Ultimate Guitar: “Hey Satchel, how’s it going?”

Satchel: “Good. I’m getting a massage right now and I’m getting my toes done.”

Ultimate Guitar: “Sounds like you’re at a dog pound [dogs barking in the background].”

Satchel:  “Yeah they’ve got dogs in here it’s an Asian place and they have a lot of… I don’t know why they have so many Chihuahuas in here.”

Ultimate Guitar:  “Its early, man. I can’t believe you’re awake this early.”

Satchel:  “It is early I’ve been up all night.”

Ultimate Guitar:  “So this is for Ultimate-Guitar. Are you familiar with that site?”

Satchel:  “Well, I’ve probably heard of it but mainly I just look at p*rn on the net so…”

Ultimate Guitar:  “Yeah, me too. Do you use tablature?”

Satchel:  “Like linear equations and stuff?”

Ultimate Guitar:  “Well it does look a lot like math to be honest.”

Satchel:  “That’s cool. Well you know I learn mostly by sight I watch people fingers I don’t listen to them. I try not to listen, if you listen you get too influenced by the music and I don’t like that to happen. I like to be totally original and unique. I just don’t listen to people that’s why I don’t listen to my bandmates I don’t want the band to influence me when we’re playing live I just turn them off completely, I just look at them and know we are playing the same song.”

Ultimate Guitar:  “I spoke with Josh Rand a couple days ago and I mentioned that we had this interview today and he wants to know who does your hair.”

Satchel:  “That’s a good question. I have a team of people that do my hair. They come from all over the country, they fly in and usually go on tour with me. It takes some time to prepare but mostly it’s like keeping the hair stable. Cutting out the dead ends every six weeks, hot oil treatments if you don’t have a team of people to do it for you it can be very difficult. That’s why a lot of guys my age and I am in my mid 60s now they lose their hair by the. It’s not easy to stay looking good, you know. Have you seen the guys in Saxon lately?”

Ultimate Guitar:  “No.”

Satchel:  “That’s why, because they don’t have a team of hair people.”

Ultimate Guitar:  “What’s the key ingredient?”

Satchel:  “You’ve got to use hairspray and it’s got to be good hair spray, extreme hold, if you don’t your hair is going to be flat. A lot of people don’t realize when you’re rocking on stage and you see a lot of guys with their hair just flat within the first couple songs and then you look like a jerk for the rest of the set. It’s just embarrassing your hair goes flat. It’s really hard to look a girl in the eye with conviction and give her that ‘I’m going to f*ck you’ look and have flat hair, because you know she’s just looking at your hair thinking ‘what the f*ck kind of hairspray is this guy using its obviously not working’ it looks like you just woke up and then you’re not going to get laid that way that’s the biggest thing and you know the whole reason for doing this is to get laid as much as possible because you know, the music business is pretty much dead it’s pretty much 100% about getting pussy at this point.”

Ultimate Guitar:  “We all know the seductive powers on the guitar but is there a certain technique or style of playing that seems to drop more panties than the others?”

Satchel:  “There are certain basics that you have to adhere to, these are the fundamentals and you can always go back to the fundamentals if suddenly the pussy well dries up and you have to go back to the fundamentals because something went wrong in the fundamentals. Fundamental number one you’ve got to have long hair, you have to I mean you can’t go on stage with short hair and rock. You can’t do it. People have tried and they end up looking like total dick heads you’re not going to get any pussy that way long hair is a must. It’s got to be bitchin’ long hair, it’s got to be healthy you can’t be doing a comb over, you can’t half a—s it. If you have a half a head of hair or a bald spot or something your chances getting laid are going to go down a lot. Then I would say obviously, the way you dress has a lot to do with it. Let’s say you drink a lot of beer, you have kind of a gut you know, you don’t want to tuck your shirt in then. If you’ve got a shirt and you tuck it in and you have a beer gut and your gut is hanging out over your pants, over your belt buckle, that’s going to be a bad thing. That’s going to not get you laid because they’re going to focus on your gut where a shirt that goes over your gut and cover It up. Or you can just work out a lot and that’s really tough because then you have to cut down on the beer and that really sucks because alcohol is a lot of fun. But you know or you can do what I do and this drink a lot of beer but I also do cocaine. The cocaine offsets the beer. This is a key fundamental that a lot of people overlook you can’t have your guitar too high you have to have your strap low enough that you can look cool but you still have to be able to play guitar, there is a formula, I don’t know the exact formula but say guitar strap lengths vs. playing ability like I think it’s like y=2x-4 I think that’s what it is actually and that’s the ratio you have to use on your guitar strap because if you don’t you can graph this out too and you’ll see where the Y intercept is on that line of how low you can go with your guitar strap before you look like a dick and you don’t want to look like a dick.”

Ultimate Guitar:  “I’ve noticed over the years that you wear a lot of spandex pants. I assume that serves to accentuate the package but I noticed that the guitar often hangs right in front of the crotch region. Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of wearing spandex?”

Satchel:  “That adds to the mystery and the thing is if you’re unfortunate enough to have a really small p*nis like our bass player does that can be a benefit in some ways because then you don’t have to worry about girls coming back for more and being a pain in the a—s. Like me, I have to deal with this all the time, girls just want more and more sex with me because I please them so well. It’s crazy. But our bass player has sex with them one time and they’re like ‘ok, been there done that.’ and they don’t hound him. So there are pros and cons. For me, it means that I’m always going to get laid – any town I go to there’s return business if I want it but for our bass player, if he wants a good night’s sleep he can go to sleep.”

Ultimate Guitar:  “Lucky bastard…”

Satchel:  “Yeah I envy him.”

Ultimate Guitar:  Pussy is great. But pussy can also be something that tears a band apart. How have you guys managed to keep pussy from tearing STEEL PANTHER apart?

Satchel:  “That is a really, really good question. There’s that old saying ‘Bros before hoes’ and you can say that. It’s a good saying. But it’s not true. Every guy in my band is going to pick a hoe before they pick a bro. But we have an understanding – basically, we do this thing called ‘pass the hag’ that’s where after we have sex with a girl, everybody is welcome to jump on it. You can’t get all butt hurt. Like for instance if a girl was to have sex with Michael Starr, my singer, and then I have sex with her and she has way more fun, he just has to realize that I’m going to be able to please a woman more than him so he can’t have his feelings hurt. It took a while to get to that point but once you get past that and you realize that another guy in the band has a better p*nis and is going to be able to please women better, once you get over the fact that the guitar player is usually better in bed than the singer, it eases the tension. Singers always want to be better at everything but they’re not because they’re just singers. They can’t write songs and play licks and usually their p*nises are small. That’s why they want to be lead singers, because if they had a bigger p*nis they wouldn’t need to be in the spotlight all the time.”

Ultimate Guitar:  “So it would seem that the secret to a band’s success is to have a well-established pecking order within the band.”

Satchel:  “Definitely, and the guys in the band understand that and that’s how we don’t get into arguments all the time. Plus they know that if they start an argument with me, they’re just going to get f*cking fired because I don’t stand for that sh*t. I’m pretty much the dude who runs everything and the other guys – as long as they stay the f*ck out of my way, I don’t really care what happens. Just get out of my way and stop hounding me and we’ll get along fine. Just get off my case. Don’t wake me up when I’m asleep. If I put yogurt in the fridge on the tour bus, don’t eat my yogurt, Stay away from my yogurt. I have my name on all that stuff. On the next tour bus I’m going to have my own fridge with a lock on it so no one can get in to my yogurt.”

Ultimate Guitar:  “So, I saw you not too long ago at Louder Than Life in Louisville. Your guitars look amazing – ladies like bright pretty colors and I see that your guitars are certainly bright.

Satchel:  “Ladies certainly do like bright pretty colors.”

Ultimate Guitar:  “Did you recently switch over from Kramers to Charvels?”

Satchel:  “Yeah I started playing Charvels because they play great, they look amazing, the necks feel great, and not only that but Charvel pays me over $300 a year. It’s not cash, it’s in benefits and stuff like that but my guy over at Charvel, his name is Mark, he took me out to dinner one time at Baja Fresh and I had Baja Chicken Burrito and a Diet Pepsi. I didn’t have to pay for it. He paid for the whole thing. So it’s those kind of endorsement perks. The guitars are great too, which is an added benefit. And they look good – you saw how good they look. It’s like going fishing – when you have a great looking instrument that sounds good too, it’s like going fishing with the best lure. So you throw that lure out into the river and a big trout – when I say big trout, I’m talking about the hottest chick in the crowd – she sees that lure, that guitar and she’s going to come over and bite the worm, you know what I mean.”

Ultimate Guitar:  “Those designs look pretty custom. Will there be a Satchel model coming out with Charvel so that we can all go fishing?”

Satchel:  “There will be and they are going to look just like the ones I play on stage – they look like animals – but like animals from planet from that movie Avatar.”

Ultimate Guitar:  “I dig the new album man.”

Satchel:  “It’s blowing up right now in Southeast Asia.”

Ultimate Guitar:  “Are you going over there to tour anytime soon?”

Satchel:  “No they won’t let us go over there. It illegal. They have crazy rules over there. It’s a communist country. In fact I think if you own our new record over there, you can get penalized with death. It shows you how good the album is because it’s still selling like hotcakes. People can’t get enough of it. We’ve sold over 150 copies of it in Asia.”

Ultimate Guitar:  “Robin Zander is big over there – that’s got to help with sales.”

Satchel:  “We had to give him at least 10 copies just to be on it. And a case of Keystone Light. Who would have thought that Robin Zander drank something other than Keystone Light but he doesn’t.”

Ultimate Guitar:  “Robin Zander on a STEEL PANTHER album, how did that come about?”

Satchel:  “He’s a big STEEL PANTHER fan and he was begging us to be on the record. He wouldn’t stop calling us. So eventually we were just like, ‘Alright! We’ll do one of your songs’ and we did it and he sang on it. It worked out well. Then when he wanted to be in the video and wear lipstick, we were like ok and we let him. But it was cool. Robin Zander is a pretty cool rockstar to have on your record. And that guy, even at his age still gets so much pussy. He gets more pussy than that band Falling in Reverse.”

Ultimate Guitar:  “It’s no secret. Babes love the acoustic guitar. Will you do another acoustic album at some point?”

Satchel:  “Nobody’s planning on it – we basically sold out on that album – we thought maybe we’d blow up like Eric Clapton did. We did it at Lexi’s mom’s garage. It was actually really hard to film because it was all women there and everyone was getting laid the whole time. We’d take breaks between songs and f*ck chicks. That’s kind of everyday for us though so it sort of normal.”

Ultimate Guitar:  “When will we see the next STEEL PANTHER album?”

Satchel:  “Man, I just bought a new 4 track so I’m doing demos right now. I’m writing a song at the moment about Chihuahuas. We want to get it out as soon as possible, it’s not like we’re going to make money on it because people are just going to steal it anyway, but the more albums we have out there, the more people can steal them. So I don’t know if the Chihuahua song is going to make it on the record but all the songs that don’t make it are going on Lexi’s solo record – I’m going to sell all those songs to him. You can look for Lexi Foxx’s solo record – it’s going to be called 50 Shades of Gay.”

Ultimate Guitar:  “Will there ever be a solo Satchel record?”

Satchel:  “I don’t know because I’m so busy writing all the songs for STEEL PANTHER so it’s like why do a solo record? I don’t ever want to do instrumentals because I’m not good enough for that.”

Ultimate Guitar:  “I don’t know about that…”

Satchel:  “Well I appreciate that. That was me fishing for complements and it totally worked.

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