Los Angeles, CA — Brace yourselves, metalheads. The rollercoaster ride that is Slayer’s career has taken yet another twist. Just when fans were dusting off their battle vests for the re-reunion shows, the band has dropped a bombshell: the re-reunion is off. That’s right, no more Slayer shows. The devil’s horns are drooping in disappointment.
The announcement came via a cryptic Instagram post from Kerry King, the band’s legendary guitarist. The post featured a Photoshopped image of him and Tom Araya, the iconic bassist and singer, engaged in a thumb-wrestling match. The caption read, “Tom and I have decided to settle our differences the old-fashioned way. Winner gets the last slice of pizza. Loser gets retirement.”
Fans were left scratching their heads. Was this some elaborate April Fool’s prank? Or had the band truly imploded? We reached out to both Kerry and Tom for clarification.
Kerry King sat down with us at a vegan coffee shop (because nothing says “metal” like almond milk lattes). His face was a canvas of tattoos, each one telling a story of broken guitar strings and shattered drumsticks. “Look,” he said, stirring his oat milk latte with a pentagram-shaped spoon, “Tom and I have been through hell together. Literally. But lately, we’ve been arguing about the important stuff. Like, who gets to control the band’s Spotify playlist during road trips. It got ugly.”
Tom Araya, on the other hand, met us at a retirement home (because nothing says “retirement” like bingo night). He adjusted his reading glasses and leaned in. “Kerry thinks ‘Raining Blood’ should be played on repeat. I’m more of a ‘Seasons in the Abyss’ guy. We just couldn’t find common ground. Plus, he keeps stealing my Werther’s Originals.”
The beef escalated during rehearsals for the re-reunion tour. Kerry insisted on tuning his guitar to “Satan’s B-flat,” while Tom preferred the more melodic “Lucifer’s A-sharp.” Tempers flared. Drummer Paul Bostaph tried to mediate by suggesting they compromise with “Hell’s C.” It didn’t help.
And so, in a joint statement, Kerry and Tom announced the cancellation of the re-reunion shows. The statement read, “Due to irreconcilable differences over snack choices, we’ve decided to disband again. Slayer will now focus on our retirement home tour, where we’ll play bingo halls and shuffleboard courts.”
The retirement home tour kicks off in Transylvania (because nothing says “retirement” like Dracula’s castle). The setlist includes classics like “Angel of Death” (dedicated to the guy in Room 666) and “South of Heaven” (because the cafeteria serves killer Jell-O cups).
As for the final show, it’s rumored to be held on the summit of Mount Everest. Yes, you read that right. Slayer will ascend the treacherous slopes, amps in tow, and unleash a sonic avalanche that’ll make the Himalayas tremble. The Yeti population is already filing noise complaints.
So there you have it, folks. Slayer’s re-reunion is now a re-disbandment. And the beef between Kerry and Tom? They’ve agreed to settle it with a thumb-wrestling rematch. Winner gets the last slice of pizza. Loser gets a lifetime supply of Werther’s Originals.
In the words of Kerry King, “Hell awaits… but retirement homes have better bingo nights.”
Happy April 1st, everyone!
Disclaimer: This article is purely satirical and intended for entertainment purposes. Slayer’s actual plans may or may not involve thumb-wrestling and snack disputes. Please consult your local headbanger for accurate information.
