GENE SIMMONS: These Are All the Things I Tried To Trademark

KISS bassist Gene Simmons recently sat down with Loudwire to discuss all the thing he trademarked or attempted to trademark over the years. You can check out the chat below (as transcribed by

Naked Carwash (Exotic Carwash, Nude Carwash, Topless Carwash)

“I thought it would be a good business model where in the middle of nowhere – where it’s allowed legally – people go to strip clubs and stuff like that.

“And unfortunately you have to wash your car. So why not sit in there, have strobe light as you go and somebody’s washing your car while they’re doing that. *seductively holds a finger in his mouth* College girls need money too.

“And everything’s wet and they get water on them. Naked Carwash!”

International Fight Club

“Yes. We were doing a show for ESPN and it was going to take boxing away from the same old, same old. Adding music elements and stuff like that. And we made a deal with ESPN, they just didn’t want to pay enough. That’s why I said ‘No.'”

Trophy Wife

“‘Trophy Wife’ was a show I created that Lionsgate and I were doing. We partnered up, 50/50, and they said ‘Look, before we start pithing it,’ this was a while back, eight years ago or so, ‘We’d like to change the title because it’s demeaning to women.’

“And I said ‘I appreciate that but I didn’t create the term, it’s what it’s called when you have a beautiful woman and she has no other abilities. She’s a trophy wife!’ And I wanted to do ‘Fast and Furious’ and very funny kind of show.

“So they said ‘Well, we can’t. Our standards and practices can’t do that.’ Then I said ‘Okay, I’m sticking by it, I’ve gotta do it my was or the highway.’ So I took the project back.

“A few years later, ‘Trophy Wife’ the TV show, not my version, went on the air on ABC with Malin Akerman. And before they put it on the air their legal team smartly sent me an e-mail saying, ‘We know you own the trademark ‘Trophy Wife,’ may we use it?’

“And I said ‘You don’t need to send me money, I want a single card at the end of the show, and there was just my name on the screen – ”Trophy Wife’ created by Gene Simmons.’ That’s all I want. And when the show came on I took a photo of that and sent it back to Lionsgate and basically said ‘Eat this, bitch.'”


“It was another project I wanted to do where gorgeous women with great music were working out. Like 10 great girls, but very strenuous work out. They’re not naked. The fact that they’re attractive and everything’s tight fitting, the stupid mind of the male of the species thinks it’s sexy.

So when you exercise I thought, perhaps, you should ‘sexercise.’ See what I did there? It was actually trademarked and we actually did a sizzle reel and all that. And I wanted to do it daily, 20 minute to half an hour show.

“Every day you could go to this place, press it, and work out with your TV because it’s attractive. There’s no difference between a beautiful car– And they put a gorgeous woman right next to a car – she’s got nothing to do with a car. Except, maybe, if you get the car you can get her.”

?enis (The word ‘penis’ with a question mark instead of ‘p’)

“I did trademark that. If you can imagine ‘?enis.’ I like the way letters make you think of different things. And I thought that was a way to use a word and sort of soften the blow, if you know what I mean.

“I wanted to do a book actually titled that about women’s and men’s fascination with that thing. The staff of righteousness.”